If you were a balloon, I'd toss you into a field of porcupines.
If you were a Kit Kat bar, I'd leave you on the dashboard all summer.
If you were a hamster's salt wheel, I'd immerse you in boiling water.
You are an onion. You make me cry.
If you were an alpaca sweater, I'd unravel you.
If you were a toilet seat, you'd be covered in dry ice.
If you were an instrument, you'd be a loud organ.
If you were a toy, you'd be a Furby.
You are Canada. You're not real.
You're a drunken, slurred accent. Nobody understands you.

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These were unprofessionally concocted by me and my sister Rachel.